Regardless of the communication channel we select (or have selected for us), we need to remember that effective communication is based on the concept of rapport, a sharing of understanding with another person or other people. Establishing and maintaining rapport requires recognizing and respecting the subjective experiences of others and that no two individuals will ever have identical subjective experiences—their mental maps will be different.
No two of us do this in quite the same way. If you and I were to go to the same movie, for example, we would have different subjective experiences of the movie. Some elements of our memories, would, of course, be the same. Other parts would be different. I would remember some parts that you would have forgotten (deleted), and you would remember some parts that I would have forgotten. In some cases, we might have different memories about who said what to whom. Finally, we might generalize about the movie in different ways. I might like it, while you dislike it, and so on.
Subjective experience, although it is different from person to person, has structure. Each of us uses the same basic building blocks to create our subjective experience—our internal maps of reality—and we tend to use these building blocks in the same way over time, creating habits of thinking and behavior. When we understand our habits of thinking and behavior and those of others, we have a better chance of communicating with them effectively.
The building blocks of subjective experience are our sensory systems: the visual (sense of sight), the auditory (sense of hearing), and kinesthetic cluster (senses of smell, taste, and touch and our ability to have emotional responses). People develop preferences for which of these systems they rely on for processing information they receive from the external environment. People with all five senses intact do, of course, use all five, but some will prefer to process information—to think—in visual terms, while others will prefer either auditory or kinesthetic processing. Because the sensory systems are used to represent external reality, they are also called representational systems.
When you understand your own preferences and those of others, you can use that information to help establish rapport with them. People who are processing information visually will use visual vocabulary. Likewise, those processing information auditorily or kinesthetically will use the vocabulary of those systems. For a list of common sensory system vocabulary, see Sense-based Vocabulary.
Rapport can also be created quickly and easily between those whose physiology (body type and posture), appearance (style of dress), and language styles (vocabulary, tone, rate, and pitch) match or are highly similar. If we are dressed alike, we will tend to assume that we will have certain things in common. In many business organizations, for example, you will find that most employees will dress very much alike. Some organizations require their members to wear uniforms to help promote a group identity and to facilitate rapport and communication among their members.
You may have noticed that when friends walk or talk together, they fall into a natural rhythm of doing things at the same time—stepping forward at the same time if they are walking, leaning forward or backward at the same time, tilting their heads the same way at the same time, crossing their legs in the same way, or using similar hand gestures. These are all ways of using nonverbal communication to let another person know that you are in rapport with him or her. Such nonverbal communication usually remains below the level of conscious awareness. You can use such nonverbal matching to gain rapport with another if you do so carefully. If you are too obvious and the other person notices that you are deliberately matching him or her, however, you will lose rapport rather than gain it.
Because the way we use language is tied so closely to the way we think—the way we process information and create meaning—we are most comfortable with those who use language in essentially the same way. If others use the same words we would use in a similar context (see especially Sense-based Vocabulary), and speak at the same rate, we will be comfortable communicating with them. We can increase others’ comfort level with us by adapting our speech so that we use their words in the way they would use them and match their rate of speech.
You can increase initial rapport with others by matching them in dress; in posture; in vocabulary; and in voice rate, tone, volume, and pitch. Matching another person in this way helps him or her feel comfortable with you and provides you with the opportunity to develop a better understanding of his or her view of reality. Once you have established this kind of initial rapport, you may elect to work toward a deeper rapport based on shared values, beliefs, and criteria or otherwise explore solutions to common problems.
The principal metaprograms that influence everyone are Action, Direction, Source, Conduct, Response, Scope, Cognitive Style, and Confirmation. Each of these categories has extremes of polar opposites. Most people are, of course, somewhere between the two extremes, choosing one pattern of behavior or the other depending on the situation or context. Nevertheless, people are sufficiently consistent in their behavior that once you know and understand their metaprograms, you are better able to predict their behavior and to motivate them.
The Action Metaprogram
The action metaprogram governs whether an individual is primarily an initiator or a responder. Initiators have a bias for action and are motivated by situations in which they can act and have the initiative. Initiators enjoy starting new projects and may have several projects going at once. They do not like to wait for others to act and are frequently accused of failing to "look before they leap."
Responders, on the other hand, are slow to begin projects and often analyze and plan without taking action. Responders prefer to analyze a situation thoroughly and are most comfortable when they can wait until others initiate the action and then respond to what others have done. Typical language used by such individuals would include the following:
The Direction Metaprogram
The direction metaprogram governs whether an individual is primarily motivated to move toward desired objectives or to move away from unpleasant consequences. Those who are motivated to move toward the desirable tend to set and work to achieve specific goals. They think and talk in terms of what will be gained.
People who move away from the undesirable are motivated primarily by avoiding loss. They think and talk in terms of dangers and risks to avoid. They typically do not set goals but rather react to what they perceive as dangers in the environment. Typical language used by such individuals would include the following:
The Source Metaprogram
The source metaprogram governs whether an individual relies on his or her own judgment or on the judgments of others when making decisions and for reinforcement. Those with an internal source or frame of reference need to decide for themselves and are able to provide their own reinforcement. Those with an internal frame of reference tend to ignore feedback they receive from others. What others say is treated as information, which the individual then evaluates according to his or her personal standards. Individuals with an extremely strong internal frame of reference will resist following instructions given by others.
Those with an external source or frame of reference, on the other hand, prefer to receive direction and reinforcement from others. They frequently look to others to make decisions and to provide standards for conduct. Those with an external frame typically seek feedback from others and then use that information to determine future behavior. Typical language used by such individuals would include the following:
The Conduct Metaprogram
The conduct metaprogram governs whether an individual tends to be a rule follower or a rule breaker and whether he or she thinks primarily in terms of procedures to be followed or alternative ways of doing things.
Rule followers stick to developed and tested procedures. They have great respect for existing procedures. They believe in doing things the “right” way. They typically want to know how something should be done rather than why it should be done. Rule followers often think of rule breakers as “cheaters.”
Rule breakers are motivated by developing options and alternatives. They typically need to discover for themselves whether an existing rule or procedure is valid and tend to respect a rule or procedure only if breaking it will clearly produce a negative result. Typical language used by such individuals would include the following:
The Response Metaprogram
The response metaprogram governs whether an individual tends to match (agree with) or mismatch (disagree with) elements in the environment and information presented by others.
Matchers look for and desire sameness. They prefer to have their environment, including their relationships, remain the same, and they tend to enjoy working for the same organization for a long time. In conversation, they tend to look for and emphasize points of agreement.
Mismatchers, on the other hand, look for differences and enjoy change. In conversation, they will look for and emphasize differences and exceptions to the rule. Typical language used by such individuals would include the following:
The Scope Metaprogram
The scope metaprogram governs whether an individual tends to focus on the big picture or on specific details. The global person is interested in the overall concept and is typically bored with details, whereas the specific person prefers details and may have difficulty grasping the overview.
The global person prefers to receive information about and make decisions based on the big picture, leaving the details of execution to others. The global person is more interested in the final result than in the steps required to achieve the result.
The specific person prefers to think first about the specific details and to approach results in a sequential, step-by-step fashion. For the specific person, it is important that each detail be correct and in place before moving on to the next detail or step. Typical language used by such individuals would include the following:
The Cognitive Style Metaprogram
The cognitive style metaprogram determines whether an individual is governed primarily by the analytical or the creative impulse. Thinking people tend to be analytical and critical. They tend to lack empathy for others and are more concerned with the task and the result than with the effects the task or result will have on others.
Feeling people tend to be creative, accepting, and spontaneous. They are concerned about feelings and relationships and place a priority in knowing how changes will affect others. Typical language used by such individuals would include the following:
The Confirmation Metaprogram
The confirmation metaprogram governs the way in which people become convinced about the truth. This metaprogram has two parts: the sensory mode and the pattern. The sensory mode determines how the individual needs to receive the information before becoming convinced. Some people need to see something before they are convinced; some people need to hear about it from others; and some need to develop a feeling as a result of direct experience.
The sensory mode of the Confirmation Metaprogram may be related to an individual’s preferred representational system, but that is not always the case. Synesthesia is also possible. A person, for example, may need to see something to be able to tell him- or herself that something is true or may need to hear it before getting the feeling of certainty.
The pattern also governs how often the person needs to receive information before becoming convinced. For some, once is enough. For others, each situation is new and requires new evidence. Typical language used by such individuals would include the following:
People will also express how often they need to see, hear, or experience something with time references.
Most people have slightly different criteria for accepting the truth of something, depending on his or her existing beliefs. A person may be willing to accept a religious or spiritual "truth," on the basis of very little evidence, for example, but require a great deal of external evidence before being willing to accept the truth of the efficacy of a new medicine.