Here are some quotes/wordplays/jokes I like. I have seen a few of them on bumper stickers or inside fortune cookies:
Understand your assumptions instead of assuming you understand.
Dark is not the opposite of light, it is the absence of light.
A funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
I would never submit an article to a journal who would publish work by someone like me.
I would never join a club who would allow a person like me as a member.
This article fills a badly needed gap in the literature.
When all you have is a hammer, every problem becomes a nail.
I am not trying to be a jerk -- it comes without effort.
It was once thought that a million monkeys typing at a million typewriters would eventually produce a work as great as Shakespeare's. Thanks to the internet, we now know this is not true.
Your oratorical sonorities are too pleonastic to be expeditiously assimilated.
Before you criticize a person, walk a mile in his shoes -- if he gets angry, you'll have a head start and he'll be barefoot.
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants.
If I have not seen farther than others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.
I get enough vegetables by eating vegetarians.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
The three pillars of education are seeing much, studying much and suffering much.
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
Nothing worth doing is easy to learn.
There are three kinds of people in this world, the kind that can count and the kind that can't.
Given a choice between two evils, I will take the one I haven't tried before.
No matter what you decide, you will regret it.
I resemble that remark!
Brevity is ... wit.
The more I know, the less I believe.
The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Those who believe absurdities are more likely to commit atrocities.
Don't believe everything you think.
The only absolute truth about the universe/physics/life is that there are no absolute truths about the universe/physics/life.
The biggest problem with predicting the future is that it hasn't happened yet.
A young person who is conservative does not have a heart, while an old person who is liberal does not have a brain.
It is well known by those who know it well that....
He's so dumb that he doesn't know an asymptote from a hole in his graph.
If you're not paranoid, then you're not paying attention.
I think everybody is trying to make me paranoid.
I have checked and confirmed that I have all the symptoms of being a hypochondriac.
Is it "anal" retentive or "anally" retentive?
If I weren't a chicken, then I would be schizophrenic.
Without geometry, life would be pointless.
He who dies with the most toys wins.
Youth is wasted on the young.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Visualize world peace.
Visualize whirled peas.
Visualize using your turn signal.
We are all African.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
As the words get longer, the ideas get smaller.
Half the people in this profession are below average.
Don't stick your arm in crazy.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Age is a high price to pay for experience.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
When you kill time, you murder success.