Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but it dies in the process.

You can't explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Understand your assumptions instead of assuming you understand.

Dark is not the opposite of light, it is the absence of light.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Nobody will care what you have to say until they know that you care.

A challenge becomes an adventure as soon as you are fascinated.

Treat the addiction instead of punishing the addict.

It is immoral to profit from sickness.

Economic growth is incompatible with ecological sustainability.

A young person who is conservative does not have a heart, while an old person who is liberal does not have a brain.

Freedom isn't free, so stop whining and pay your taxes!

We are all African.

All music is World Music.

If you are willing to relinquish a fundamental liberty for a little security, then you should expect neither liberty nor security.

If you can talk about your problems, then you can manage your problems.

We can debate this forever, as long as I'm right.

The body is a temple.

I find the people who believe "The body is a temple," to be extremely arrogant.

Everyone with teeth suffers.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Given a choice between two evils, I will take the one I haven't tried before.

No matter what you decide, you will regret it.

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.

A funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Life is difficult. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.

Things are never as bad as they seem.

The most important things in life aren't things.

He who dies with the most toys wins.

If you feel lazy and worthless, then all of your adversaries are winning.

An empty desk indicates an idle mind.

Only boring people get bored.

I get enough vegetables by eating vegetarians.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

I would never join a club who would allow a person like me as a member.

I would never submit an article to a journal who would publish work by someone like me.

This article fills a gap badly needed in the literature.

When all you have is a hammer, every problem becomes a nail.

I am not trying to be a jerk -- it comes without effort.

It was once thought that a million monkeys typing at a million typewriters would eventually produce a work as great as Shakespeare's. Thanks to the internet, we now know this is not true.

Have you the audacity to doubt my veracity and insinuate that I prevaricate?!

Your oratorical sonorities are too pleonastic to be expeditiously assimilated.

Before you criticize a person, walk a mile in his shoes -- if he gets angry, you'll have a head start and he'll be barefoot.

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants.

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.

Guns don't kill people, people who say "Guns don't kill people" kill people, with guns.

Our society kills people who have not killed people to show people that killing people is wrong.

Never blame something on maliciousness that is equally explained by incompetence.

If you can't find the fool in the room, then it's probably you.

The three pillars of education are seeing much, studying much and suffering much.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

Good mathematicians discover, great mathematicians create.

If a person doesn't see that mathematics is very simple, then s/he probably doesn't understand that life is very complicated.

Nothing worth doing is easy to learn.

If we knew what we were doing, then it wouldn't be "research".

Science is interesting, and if you don't agree, then you can f___ ___.

Science is a lot like sex: It has a practical purpose but most of the time that's not why we do it.

There are three kinds of people in this world, the kind that can count and the kind that can't.

There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who know binary and those who don't.

Five out of four people have problems with fractions.

There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

If you use more than 20 moves to solve Rubik's cube, then you're wasting your time. Source.

Without geometry, life would be pointless.

Geometry is the study of how things remain the same when you change them.

I am very lucky to be paid for what I would likely be doing otherwise.

As the words get longer, the ideas get smaller.

Half the people in this profession are below average.

An academic is a person who can't read a book without a pencil in his/her hand.

You will leave this class confused, but at a higher level.

The tears of the world are a constant quantity. For each one who begins to weep somewhere else another stops. The same is true of the laugh.

Any sufficiently advanced parody is indistinguishable from a genuine kook.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

The only absolute truth about the universe/physics/life is that there are no absolute truths about the universe/physics/life.

The more I know, the less I believe.

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.

Those who believe absurdities are more likely to commit atrocities.

Don't believe everything you think.

I prefer to live with a question I cannot answer instead of an answer I may not question.

A person who has a closed mind should also keep a closed mouth.

Religion gives people hope and strength in a world torn apart by religion.

Atheist for Jesus.

Jesus: Save me from your followers!

Who would Jesus bomb?

It is natural when a child is afraid of the dark, but tragic when an adult is afraid of the light.

To turn a child against a parent is to turn the child against himself.

One must draw a child closer with one hand and push him away with the other.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

The biggest problem with predicting the future is that it hasn't happened yet.

That is the most hyperbolic thing that anyone has ever said.

It is well known by those who know it well that....

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

A genius a crazy person who was discovered posthumously to be sane.

Insanity means doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Even if you're not paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

If you're not paranoid, then you're not paying attention.

I think everybody is trying to make me paranoid.

I have checked and confirmed that I have all the symptoms of being a hypochondriac.

Is it "anal" retentive or "anally" retentive?

If I weren't a chicken, then I would be schizophrenic.

I hate being bipolar, it's great!

Nobody has more or better symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder than I do.

My memory is failing, but at least my memory isn't failing.

I probably worry too much about my anxieties.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

You're only as young as the last time you changed your mind.

Youth is wasted on the young.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

No good deed goes unpunished.

My karma ran over my dogma.

I resemble that remark!

Brevity is ... wit.

Bulldog shih tzu!

Nuke the whales!

Visualize world peace.

Visualize whirled peas.

Visualize using your turn signal.

Always look both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Parking lots are dangerous! Everyone drives too fast, nobody pays attention, and nobody uses their turn signals.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I forgive, but I do not forget.

Don't stick your arm in crazy.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Age is a high price to pay for experience.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

When you kill time, you murder success.