Thank you for agreeing to participate in our study on the communication of forgiveness. The information you provide will help us better understand this important element of personal relationships.
Please answer all questions carefully and honestly. All responses are confidential.
Do not put your name or other identifying data on the survey itself.
Thank you very much for your help on this project!
African American Asian Caucasian Hispanic Native Ameican Other If other, please specify
Age in years
There are various types or kinds of transgressions, offenses, hurtful or harmful behaviors, or inflicted pains, that may eventually occur between people in personal relationships. These injurious behaviors between partners or friends, may invoke either forms of forgiveness or punishment by the person who has been injured or hurt.
First read these examples and then below SELECT ONE LEVEL OF TRANSGRESSION that represents how this person has hurt you.
a tiny transgression: You and this person had arranged to spend an evening together, but when the evening came this person told you that he/she had arranged to do something else with another person. a small transgression: This person often says foolish or hurtful things that irritate you or make your feel uncomfortable when you are together with him/her.
medium transgressions: This person says he/she will share expenses for a mutually shared experience (travel, purchase of a shared itemBcomputer, concert tickets, etc.), but spends the money on things for him/herself.
This person has a problem with an addictive behavior (lying, alcohol abuse, drug usage, gambling, abusive language) and this transgression has caused you psychological pain and has harmed your relationship with him/her.
large transgressions: This person says he/she will take care of a very important issue (making payments of important billsBrent, telephone, etc., picking up friends or clients at the airport), but repeatedly does not do what he/she says and you, as well as other people, are hurt because of his/her neglect.
Huge transgressions: You and this person have had a committed relationship for several years, but he/she has been spending a lot of time with another person and you find out that the two of them have had an extra marital sexual affair and this person is no longer talking with you.
This person has caused you or someone close to you severe physical pain or death.
Based on the examples from above, please select one level or type of transgression or offensive behavior that this person (spouse, partner, friend, or colleague at work) has committed and click a number that represents the severity of the transgression.
tiny small medium large HUGE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
FORGIVER PERSPECTIVE
Please read instructions carefully!
Before proceeding, take a minute to remember the details of the situation when you were hurt.
Please take a moment and in a few sentences briefly describe the nature of the transgression that occurred between you and this person. Don't use his or her name, but indicate the type of the relationship you have with this person: (spouse, friend, date, partner, mother, father, supervisor, nurse, doctor, teacher, neighbor, or other) ).
Please respond to each of the items below reflecting on how you behave toward this person who you have identified above.
Use the following scale to indicate your behavior. Even though some items may be difficult to respond to, try to answer each item.
Communication of Forgiveness
Strongly disagree Disagree Neutral Agree Strongly agree
1 2 3 4 5
1. Because this person has committed a hurtful behavior (as described above), I have little desire to talk with him/her about the offense. 1 2 3 4 5 2. I have expressed forgiveness to this person for the type of transgression he/she has committed. 1 2 3 4 5 3. I found it helpful to talk with this person many times during the process of forgiving him/her. | 1 2 3 4 5 4. I keep my feelings to myself, avoiding interaction with this person who has committed this transgression. 1 2 3 4 5 5. I have clearly stated my objections about the transgression to this person. 1 2 3 4 5 6. Although I have forgiven this person, I will not tell him/her of my forgiveness until he/she can be trusted. 1 2 3 4 5 7. I have forgiven this person, but I will not forget about the transgression because of the hurt I have experienced. 1 2 3 4 5 8. Even though I feel that I have forgiven this person, I will not tell him/herbecause of the hurt I have experienced . 1 2 3 4 5 9. Now, that I have forgiven this person for his/her hurtful behavior, I no longer think about the incident. 1 2 3 4 5 10. I have offered to help this person make adjustments to his/her behavior to reduce the likelihood of the hurtful behavior happening again. 1 2 3 4 5 11. Even though I do not feel hurt by this person's behavior, I avoid talking with him/her about the incident. 1 2 3 4 5 12. Even though this person has hurt me, my talking about the transgression with other people has helped me to forgive the person. 1 2 3 4 5 13. Because I have been hurt by this person and I have (or will) verbally reprimand or punished him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 14. I still remain hurt by what this person has done because I do not know what to say next. 1 2 3 4 5 15. I have verbally punished this person for his/her behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 16. I will never forgive this person for this transgression. 1 2 3 4 5 17. I realize that forgiveness of this type of transgression is a long term process, so I continually try to be understanding of this persons' offensive behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 18. I ask questions seeking the truth of why this person has hurt me with the hope of developing a better relationship. 1 2 3 4 5 19. I have directly asked for an apology from this person wanting him/her to realize that I have been hurt by his/her offensive behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 20. I have clearly stated my disapproval about this person's offensive behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 21. I have disclosed (or expressed) the pain that I experienced with hopes that a better understanding will occur between this personand my self. 1 2 3 4 5 22. I choose not to express my negative thoughts or feelings to this person about the hurtful behavior he/she has committed. 1 2 3 4 5 23. Although I have negative feelings, I cannot express my feeling with this person for a fear of counterattack or retaliation. 1 2 3 4 5 24. I will continue to verbally chastise (or punish) this person for his/her hurtful behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 25. I have stated my forgiveness to this person hoping that the cycle of hurtful behavior will stop. 1 2 3 4 5 26. I avoid talking with this person when I can because of his/her hurtful behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 27. I have expressed my anger towards this person for his/her offensive behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 28. I have told this person that I disapprove of (or condemn) his/her offensive behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 29. I have listened and now understand why this person committed this offensive behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 30. I have verbally pardoned this person for his/her behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 31. I will use more than words to punish this person for his/her transgression 1 2 3 4 5
Nature of the relationship
32. At the time of this event, how long had you been in a relationship with this person? years months
33. Were you romantically involved? yes no
34. How long had your relationship been romantic? years months
35. Please describe the actions performed by the other person that created a need for forgiveness. What did they do or say? (Provide your response below.)
36. How clearly do you remember this incident? extremely moderately slightly not at all well well well well 1 2 3 4
37. At the time the incident occurred, how severe did you consider the other person=s actions (circle one)? extremely moderately slightly not at all sever sever sever sever 1 2 3 4 38. At the time the incident occurred, how damaging did you consider these actions to your relationship with this person? extremely moderately slightly not at all damaging damaging damaging damaging 1 2 3 4 39. At the time the incident occurred, how threatening were these actions to your relationship? extremely moderately slightly not at all threatening threatening threatening threatening 1 2 3 4 40. Had this type of action occurred before in your relationship with this person (circle one)? No Yes If yes, about how many times? 1 2
41. At the time this event occurred, how angry did you feel toward the other person? extremely moderately slightly not at all angry angry angry angry 1 2 3 4
42. At the time this event occurred, how disappointed were you in the other person? extremely moderately slightly not at all disappointed disappointed disappointed disappointed 1 2 3 4 43. At the time this event occurred, how hurt did you feel? extremely moderately slightly not at all hurt hurt hurt hurt 1 2 3 4 44. Overall, at the time this event occurred, what were your feelings toward the other person? extremely positive positive neutral negative extremely negative 1 2 3 4 5 45. How long ago did this event occur? years months
Forgiveness Motivation
46. How motivated were you to forgive the other person? extremely moderately slightly not at all motivated motivated motivated motivated 1 2 3 4 47. These items describe some reasons why people might forgive someone. Indicate how much you agree with each item by writing the appropriate number in the blank space next to the item. Write the appropriate number next to the item.
In this situation, I forgave this person because:
48. I loved him/her 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 49. I wanted to make myself feel better 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 50. Time had passed 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 51. I didn't think the problem was worth risking our relationship over 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 52. I thought this person did not intend to hurt me or the relationship 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 53. This person asked for forgiveness 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 54. This person took responsibility for his/her actions 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 55. We had the type of relationship where I should forgive them 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 56. This person compensated or "made up for" his/her actions 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 57. I wanted to help him/her feel better 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 58. I thought this person was not responsible for his/her actions 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 59. This person apologized 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 60. This person did not understand their actions might offend me 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 61. I wanted to get on with our relationship 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 62. The action was not typical of this person 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 63. I felt obligated to forgive him/her 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 64. I came to understand the reasons behind his/her actions 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 65. This person showed that he/she was sorry 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 66. I decided this person's actions were not that big of a deal 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Forgiveness Strategies
Below are listed some of the things people might say or do when giving forgiveness. Think about the situation where you forgave this person. For each item rate Strongly disagree Disagree Neutral Agree Strongly agree
67. I initiated discussion about the offense. 1 2 3 4 5 68. I gave him/her a hug or shook his/her hand. 1 2 3 4 5 69. I began treating him/her like I always had. 1 2 3 4 5 70. I told him/her that "I understood." 1 2 3 4 5 71. I told him/her that I forgave her. 1 2 3 4 5 72. I cried. 1 2 3 4 5 73. I waited awhile before I was ready to forgive him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 74. I had someone else tell him/her that I had forgiven him. 1 2 3 4 5 75. I joked about the offense so he/she knew he/she was forgiven. 1 2 3 4 5 76. I gave him/her "a look" that communicated I forgave him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 77. I told him/her I would forgive her, but only if things changed. 1 2 3 4 5 78. I told him/her it was no big deal. 1 2 3 4 5 79. I discussed the offense with him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 80. I touched him/her in such a way that he knew he was forgiven (for example, I put my hand on his arm). 1 2 3 4 5 81. The expression on my face said "I forgive you." 1 2 3 4 5 82. I never said "I forgive you," he/she just "understood" that I forgave him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 83. I told him/her not to worry about it. 1 2 3 4 5 84. I did something special for him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 85. I told him/her I would forgive him/her, but only if the offense never happened again in the future. 1 2 3 4 5 86. I partially forgave him/her earlier, but it was not until later that I felt like I was able to completely forgive him/her. 1 2 3 4 5
Characteristics of the Relationship Hargraves (1994)
87. This person has apologized to me for the pain he/she has caused in my life. 1 2 3 4 5 88. Because I have forgiven him/her, we are now repairing our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5 89. I have a satisfactory relationship with this person and feel little need to talk about the past hurt. 1 2 3 4 5 90. I believe this person would not intentionally hurt me again because he/she is now trustworthy in our relationship. 1 2 3 4 5 91. The only effective way I can deal with this person is by keeping my distance from him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 92. My relationship with this person has improved gradually over time by just being together and having mostly good times. 1 2 3 4 5 93. I feel powerless over the hurtful circumstances of our relationship when I am with this person. 1 2 3 4 5 94. I have difficulty stopping this person from causing me more hurt. 1 2 3 4 5 95. This person's hurtful behaviors have nothing to do with me. 1 2 3 4 5 96. Things are not completely resolved in our relationship, but the more we talk about things the better it gets. 1 2 3 4 5 97. I have trouble sorting out my emotions regarding the hurtful behaviorsI have experienced with this person. 1 2 3 4 5 98. This person has taken responsibility for the things he/she has done wrong in the past. 1 2 3 4 5 99. I never seem to "feel good" when it comes to relating to this person. 1 2 3 4 5 100. When this person hurt me, it had more to do with his/her personal problems than it did with me. 1 2 3 4 5 101. For the most part, I deserve the hurt that I experienced from this person. 1 2 3 4 5 102. I do not know how to effectively stop this person from causing me pain. 1 2 3 4 5 103. This person has become responsible and no longer causes me pain. 1 2 3 4 5 104. I understand why this person has been hurtful to me and I forgive him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 105. Our relationship most likely will never improve because of his/her offensive behavior. 1 2 3 4 5 106. If I had come from this person's background, I might do some harmful things to people as well. 1 2 3 4 5 107. When I talked to this person about the hurt I experienced, he/she has accepted responsibility. 1 2 3 4 5 108. The more we talk with each other, the more I believe our relationship will be totally healed. 1 2 3 4 5 109. Nobody knows how I really feel about this hurtful experience. 1 2 3 4 5 110. I forgave this person because I do not want to feel hurt by anyone's wrongful behaviors. 1 2 3 4 5
Transgression Strategies TRIM (McCullough et al., 1998)
Please reflect on your current thoughts and feelings about this person who hurt you by responding to the following questions. Use the following scale to indicate your agreement or disagreement with each of the questions. Strongly disagree Disagree Neutral Agree Strongly agree
1 2 3 4 5 111. I will make him/her pay. 1 2 3 4 5 112. I wish that something bad would happen to him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 113. I want him/her to get what he/she deserves. 1 2 3 4 5 114. I am going to get even. 1 2 3 4 5 115. I want to see him/her hurt and miserable. 1 2 3 4 5 116. I keep as much distance between us as possible. 1 2 3 4 5 117. I live as if he/she does not exist, or is not around. 1 2 3 4 5 118. I do not trust him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 119. I find it difficult to act warmly toward him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 120. I avoid him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 121. I cut off the relationship with him/her. 1 2 3 4 5 122. I withdraw from him/her. 1 2 3 4 5
Emotional Strategies
Use the following scale for your responses: rarely or never slightly around half of the time usually always 1 2 3 4 5 WHEN I WAS/AM AROUND THIS PERSON:
123. I would try to blend in to the environment. 1 2 3 4 5 124. I would get quiet. 1 2 3 4 5 125. I would try to avoid the person. 1 2 3 4 5 126. I would get nervous or unsure of myself. 1 2 3 4 5 127. I would worry that I didn't look or act right. 1 2 3 4 5 128. I would worry about all the reasons why the person would not want a relationship with me. 1 2 3 4 5 129. I would feel that I was less attractive, popular, accomplished, or valuable than this person. 1 2 3 4 5 130. I would act very confident. 1 2 3 4 5 131. I would focus on something I feel good about. 1 2 3 4 5 132. I would do something funny or bold. 1 2 3 4 5 133. I would have a lot of fun. 1 2 3 4 5 134. I would put distance between us. 1 2 3 4 5 135. I would playfully make fun of the person. 1 2 3 4 5 136. I would think about the person's faults. 1 2 3 4 5 137. I would think the person was shallow or uncaring. 1 2 3 4 5 138. I would make cutting remarks about the person. 1 2 3 4 5 139. I would enjoy putting the person down. 1 2 3 4 5
Sensitivity Scale
(Aron, 1999)
Answer each question using the following scale indicating the extent to which you experienced this condition. Some items may be difficult to judge. However, try to respond honestly to every item about yourself. Answer Key. Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Always 1 2 3 4 5 140 Are you easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input? 1 2 3 4 5 141 Do you seem to be aware of subtleties in your environment? 1 2 3 4 5 142 Do other people's moods affect you? 1 2 3 4 5 143 Do you tend to be more sensitive to pain? 1 2 3 4 5 144 Do you find yourself needing to withdraw into a place where you can have some privacy and relief from stimulation? 1 2 3 4 5 145 Are you particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine? 1 2 3 4 5 146 Are you easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by? 1 2 3 4 5 147 Do you have a rich, complex inner life? 1 2 3 4 5 148 Are you made uncomfortable by loud noises? 1 2 3 4 5 149 Are you deeply moved by the arts or music? 1 2 3 4 5 150 Does your nervous system sometimes feel so frazzled that you just have to get off by yourself? 1 2 3 4 5 151 Are you conscientious? 1 2 3 4 5 152 Do you startle easily? 1 2 3 4 5 153 Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? 1 2 3 4 5 154 When people are uncomfortable do you tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing lighting or seating)? 1 2 3 4 5 155 Are you annoyed when people try to get you to do too many things at once? 1 2 3 4 5 156 Do you try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things? 1 2 3 4 5 157 Do you make a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows? 1 2 3 4 5 158 Do you become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around you? 1 2 3 4 5 159 Does being very hungry create a strong reaction in you, disrupting your concentration or mood? 1 2 3 4 5 160 Do changes in your life shake you up? 1 2 3 4 5 161 Do you notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art? 1 2 3 4 5 162 Do you find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once? 1 2 3 4 5 163 Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations? 1 2 3 4 5 164 Are you bothered by intense stimuli, like loud noises or chaotic scenes? 1 2 3 4 5 165 When you must compete or be observed while performing a task, do you become so nervous or shaky that you do much worse than you would otherwise? 1 2 3 4 5 166 When you were a child, did parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy? 1 2 3 4 5